Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Week of Four Posts: Part 1

This week is one of those weeks when my mind is still trying to catch up with the rat race of the last two and my words struggle to come together coherently. So begins four days of posts to share a few important things. 

I've thought many times of stopping this blog because it often feels very self-centered sharing all things us and at the same time often feels discouraging realizing how uncultured I truly am and how hungry I am to learn from God and others. Countless women bless and encourage me to be a better wife and mom through their blogs. If this space might be a conduit of genuineness and encouragement, then I will continue to pour out lessons and blessings that have been given to us here at Tegen Central. In these posts I hope to better define why this blog exists...just to clarify for ourselves and for you.

Back in February Jason woke me up at 5 a.m. and rushed me out the door to a surprise. The blog top picture is from the sunrise we witnessed on a North Carolina mountain. It was beautiful and cold and a very memorable Valentine's present. But the view as we were leaving, this view, convicted me deeply. It spoke to me of how I live. I RARELY choose the hard road. Rarely love unconditionally when others are hard to love. Rarely choose to sacrifice to the point that I don't still get what I want. 

I so often choose the cross of beauty not the cross of suffering. 

I resist suffering like any other human being. But at some point I had hoped my spirit would overtake my flesh. After FIFTEEN years of walking earnestly with God, my flesh often still prevails and the fleeting, radiant glimpses I get of God's love only get reflected onto others as sprinkles of glitter instead of the full mirror I believe God intends. How is it I forget His unending love so quickly and turn it around so completely to judge others? That I offer lip service to suffering and resist when given the opportunity to suffer for His glory? When will the wooing of His love be stronger than the weakness of my flesh? It absolutely breaks my heart.

As we drove away I wrestled with mental pictures of daily dying to myself. I breathed deep the reality that all crosses are not crowned on the mountain top with the beauty of a sunrise. Many are in the valley where it's dark and lonely and excruciatingly painful. I stared down the reality and I gulped. Could it be that only God Himself, living in me, could produce such a change of character?

...Continued tomorrow.   

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