Saturday, November 5, 2011

India, Part II

While making Kolkata clear to me, he had simultaneously spoken to my friend.  She was sure he had spoken but uncertain of what he meant.  When I asked what he'd said to her I was astounded.

"He said, 'She's there.'"  And then she added, "But I don't know what he means.  What did he say to you?"

I blurted it out, chill bumps and all.  "He said Kolkata, India."  Then she repeated reverently, "And God said, 'She's there.' "  It was surreal finishing our talk sensing God was so near.

Days later when Jason and I went out for extended time to pray and process, I was already convinced we'd be signing papers that day to begin the adoption process.  But when we came away with confusion and a growing sense to wait, I was crushed.  How could all this happen and it not be time?

It was a rough few weeks in August and September.  But with October came clarity.  Our current house does not and cannot have enough bedrooms.  {Believe me, we've tried to finagle a third bedroom.}  And secondly, India has announced a temporary hold on new applications until the end of December.  God knew.  We didn't.  We simply had to trust his leading and specifically his leading of a very attentive, listening husband.  A precious husband who hated to tell me he sensed we were to wait and was heartbroken holding me as I cried myself to sleep some nights.

But I am realizing something so critical in this journey.  It's so obvious but has the deepest meaning when we have personally learned it.

This story belongs to him.

He has never existed to accomplish my purposes.  Adoption is not about me.  Repeat, it's not about me.  It is about his heart for belonging.  I exist to belong to him and obey his voice.  And as he blesses our family with children, it is for the purpose of wrapping them in our arms so we can then point them to his.

So now in November we hold our hands open before the giver of all good things refusing to clench our fists around things he has not yet given.  We pray for our daughter who will join our family and we absolutely believe God will open the next doors when he is ready to entrust us with his daughter.  It is hard to wait but so good to learn to truly trust and lose control.  This is, after all, his story.  A story of him asking his children to walk by faith.

May 6, 2011 
It's been two years and four months since God began to speak about India and a little less than that when I saw you in a dream.  I often wish I could speed up this process but a God-ordained story has to continually belong to him and stay in his timeline.  That's hard.  I wish I could find you now.  You are already a part of our family.  When I think of family pictures, I think of you.  When I go to family events, I miss you.  I am eager to teach you all the things a mom teaches a daughter and let you unpack the aching your heart has been through to let us help you carry the load.   
We will love you and cherish you.  And you will be safe here by God's protection.  We will give you all that we can and faithfully share with you the most valuable treasure we possess:  our relationship with God as a compassionate Father, loving Son and life-giving Spirit.  He is our hope, our purpose, our everything.  And we will share all about how we have come to know that he is the one, true God among all the world's others.  He is indeed wonderful and we want you to know of his deep, deep love for you. 
Tonight I have looked at adoption agencies, thought about how to expand our two bedroom apartment and added agency fees.  Right now it seems impossible.  But I have discovered the secret that with the one true God ALL things are possible.  Granted, sometimes there is waiting involved. 
I love you sweetheart.  Tonight I cannot listen to you or put my hands on you and pray or tuck you into bed so I have to settle for writing in this journal that you've never touched and praying prayers without knowing where you are or how to get to you.  I am praying tonight that the God who sees will tell you these things and begin to build anticipation and hope for you. 
We will keep listening for God's leading and we will follow him to you.  We are coming in his time and loving you more with each day.  How I am aching to bring you home and have a complete family picture.  Sweet girl, you have been set apart by God for our family and we believe, ultimately, his. 
Tonight, I am praying you home. 



The Frisk Five said...

This post made me cry. I really hope we can talk soon.

While I'm Waiting said...

How I can't wait to meet my beautiful little cousin! how beautiful a day that will be when she joins our family forever! I am praying for all of you!

Iryna said...

Oh Kelly, I get goosebumps every time I read updates on this story! It is absolutely incredible!! May the Lord continue to bless you with trust and patience!

Martha Marie Smith said...

Kelley...I absolutely love your heart...can not wait to watch and see how God brings your precious little girl home to you, Jason, and Levi. I am praying and believing that she is anticipating great things ahead and she's already looking for you knowing that you are arriving very soon.